I'm confused

I can't tell if John Mayer is some sort of comedic genius. Before, I was just slightly annoyed by him. But after reading the following blog entry, I may have gotten him all wrong. He does have some good stuff to say about zombies.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT ZOMBIES

Are you frightened and exhilarated by the thought of the living dead, but you just don't know where to get your fix?

You should look into zombies. They're former human beings whom, at one point, walked the earth wearing flannel shirts and jeans, but as zombies they eat people's brains and love the mall. I hear they run slow, so unless your legs are pinned under a chandelier or you're just in shock, you should be able to get away okay without too much trouble. One time, they were conducting experiments on chimpanzees and the chimpanzees were infected with some crazy virus and then the chimpanzees got out and started biting people. This started the zombies. This was only in one movie, so I can't say it's all the time. What does seem to be all the time is that zombies love to eat people's flesh. You see, they're deteriorating, so they need all the fresh flesh they can get.


Here's what they do: they don't really rest or anything. All they do is wander around with their arms out and they walk all slow, and they seem to be completely unfazed by even the most jarring incidents, but once they see humans, man, lookout. They get real determined. Because, like I said before, they love flesh.


The thing too is, you can sometimes trick zombies into thinking that you're one of them. If you walk through a whole pack of zombies, and you're all like "bbbuuuurrrrgggghhhhh", like they are, there's a chance they won't notice you're even there. But as soon as you start talking, or showing basic cognitive reason, zombies are all over you.


I guess what I'm saying, is, zombies are dead and they don't have long before they deteriorate, so unless there's a whole lot of them, if you're being pursued by only a couple of zombies, you should be okay. I would say you should hide out somewhere a zombie can't get to, and, at the rate of mixing myths, you might want to cover your entire body in a thick layer of river mud like that time in Predator. It couldn't hurt. You should just wait it all out until the zombies deteriorate and can no longer move. The difficult thing is, zombies don't all become zombies at the same time, so maybe you should just pack a zombie emergency kit for your home and office.

POSTED BY JOHN MAYER AT 02:53 AM FROM PORTLAND, OR