Blatantly stolen

I'm not much of a 24 fan, but it works just as well if you exchange "Chuck Norris" for "Jack Bauer". And yes, Chuck Norris jokes are still funny.

It is impossible to sue Jack Bauer for battery because whatever force he uses is always reasonable. Jack Bauer can recite ERISA from memory, word for word, but he never does it because ERISA is so boring. Congress once considered amending the Federal Rules of Evidence to make anything offered by Jack Bauer automatically admissible. Jack Bauer invented the common law. Jack Bauer does not need consideration to enforce his contracts. When the law of negligence first developed, liability turned on what Jack Bauer would do. The standard for conduct was later lowered to the “ordinary and reasonably prudent man.” Jack Bauer used to own Blackacre, but burnt it down for the insurance. Originally, the idea of separation of powers was a reference to the fact that Jack Bauer has two different fists. Jack Bauer has unlimited peremptory strikes, which he exercises by melting prospective jurors with his mind. Justice is blind because Jack Bauer roundhouse-kicked her in the face.